(Mr. Mark, you remember, is a mystery-shrouded disc jockey in the incredibly small city of Allentown, Pennsylvania who plays screwy music and stops occasionally to say things like...)
Driving drunk can turn a week of warm, fuzzy cuddling with middle-aged relatives into a nightmare of groping cops and drunken judges, pounding your skull with the gavel of justice. In walks your attorney, a movie star and ex-convict now working as a defense lawyer for losers. His fee? Just a lonely hour in his arms. The Lord reminds you, do not pound your neighbor on the dome, do not grope your client in civil court. Do not worship anything that looks suspicious, like a golden calf, say, or a totem pole. What have you. Do not worship the sun, moon or other short-lived planetary objects. Do not buy and sell things inside the church. Set up your concessions table outside. And run specials occasionally, such as a cents-off coupon. The Lord wants earth people to shape up. Live the olden way. First step is grow a beard. Step two, lay off worshipping anything other than the genuine article--God, or God's immediate family, or to a lesser extent saints, genius schoolchildren, or saucer people. Step three is to love your neighbor, be he a chain smoking fatass or a lying weasel. Now you're ready for paradise. For more information just write to God, care of NASA the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Box 317, Space, Texas 81337. And stick on one of the new 52 cent stamps. Most of you know by now about the next impending increase for first class postage. If you're an illegal alien or a spy, the rate is 53 cents. That extra penny of course goes to pay for your imprisonment.
Welcome to the Mr. Mark radio spelling bee. First we'll say the word, then we'll give the definition, then we'll say the word one more time. You at home will then spell the word, and our digitized transmitter will analyze your voice pattern and tell if you're right. If not, a powerful electric current will motivate you to do better. First word...metamorphosis. Meta morphosis was the name of the devil who tempted Dr. Faustus. Once again, metamorphosis. Did you spell the word correctly? If so, you should feel nothing. Next word...gingko. Gingko is an ethnic insult that applies to all races. It's also some kind of tree. Gingko...Did you spell the word correctly? Reading the tabulated score here we see there have been no incorrect answers recorded so far--and no correct ones either. By popular demand we'll phase out the spelling bee and do this instead. It's the Stop Smoking Spot. A powerful electric current will motivate you to quit. Just walk over to your radio in wet shoes and grab the antenna hard. Doing this often enough will make it difficult for you to hold a cigarette, and your good health is ensured.
Are you grabbing the antenna? I should be seeing a serious power drop over here.
Hey mom, what's for dinner? How about pasta shells stuffed with potato and cheese, herbs and spices? Kids love 'em cause on the outside, it looks just like pizza. But moms know that on the inside, it's what a person's really like that matters. A pretty face will wither and age like a vampire's, only much more slowly. And this is not an invitation for America's younger people to drink blood as any kind of youth serum or health tonic. A balanced diet is enough. Lima beans, brussels sprouts, cabbage and barley, packs on the muscle tone better than drugs and loud music. To find out more about it, call the White House.