(Mr. Mark, you remember, is a mystery-shrouded disc jockey in the incredibly small city of Allentown, Pennsylvania who plays screwy music and stops occasionally to say things like...)
Heavens above! We know the concept of paradise dates back to the ancient Zoroastrians. Local Zoroastrian Herb L. Buttdorf was struck by falling airplane parts in 1982 and had a near-death experience. He believed he saw a celestial realm of peace full of winged beings white as the driven snow. He woke up to find a gang of albino street pigeons around him, the bright light coming from their flashlights, as they proceeded to rob and assault him, according to a lawsuit filed against the city not long after. If you've been injured due to the action or inaction of government or business, then call or don't call an experienced attorney. The law offices of Radley, Hortclef, Pudley and Radley, no relation, can win you a cash settlement that will stand as mute testimony to the crisis of nuisance lawsuits that clog our courts. Jump on board now while there's still no law against it. For a list of people to sue, consult your phone book.
If you're making a home movie, listen to your Mr. Mark Handy Home Helper, helping you with a handful of helpful hints about your leisure time. Best tip for auteur camera buffs? Good lighting is the number one commandment. Some incandescent bulbs give off a yellowish cast that makes your movie look dark and unprofessional. Use real floodlights from a camera store. And use your light meter determine proper setting. Use omnidirectional boom mikes for flawless audio. And encourage your actors to immerse themselves totally into their twisted and criminal characters, taking on their evil qualities even after the movie is finished. Now you've created a Frankenstein, an actor who can't stop acting, and runs amok through the shopping district. You've created a Frankenstein. And take a look--someone's making a movie about you. Here on the Mr. Mark Show we know you, we know what you like, we know your lifestyle. So we realize that your home movie is without doubt a sex romp. Recent federal laws now allow you to collect a reward for blowing the whistle on porno movies--even your own production. In ~his way you'll have enough money to shut down another X-rated movie next year. And it creates jobs for sex perverts. For more information about puffins, contact the National Audobon Society.
You've just bought your first desktop computer, and now that it's out of the box you panic with shuddering terror. So many components! Such much! Well, now there's a 1-800 line you can call to answer your computer questions. Your call will be digitally processed, and sent across the Internet so that hackers and compute~ geeks may contact you. They can answer your stammering, babe-in-the-woods questions better than we ever could. And human contact is good for you, like asparagus. To understand this next humorous essay you must know what a yurt is. A yurt is a circular domed tent made of hide or felt stretched over a collapsible lattice framework and used by Mongol nomads of Siberia. So once upon a time a couple of cowboys were fighting a dinosaur with the help of a clairvoyant Japanese scientist. Now being clairvoyant, he read the cowboys' minds and realized they were planning a violent uprising using killer robots. He hanged both of them by their necks until dead by letting the dinosaur eat them. And that's when a funny thing happened. The scientist learned to his chagrin that all along it hadn't been the cowboys who'd been planning violence. It was all the while their horses, and once again lynch-mob mentality brings ruin. To find out what "chagrin" means calll-800-OK-WORDS and enter the password, YURT.